you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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