He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's blow job season.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
