Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
