i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize