I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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