By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
