I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ambien. No doubt about it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
