we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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