I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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