Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
