Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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