My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Im part way to drunk.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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