he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize