This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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