it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just gift wrapped bread.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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