Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
