I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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