I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
