so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
