I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
