The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
