I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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