have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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