I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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