I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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