You can't special order awesome
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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