I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
