handjob tips. give me some.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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