I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
