So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i will never coherently bang her
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
