closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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