Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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