He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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