we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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