if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
