i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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