He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
