Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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