You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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