I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
