2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
