mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize