I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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