Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize