Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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