Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
