Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
