forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
