where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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