Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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