Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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