Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
