I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
