$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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