Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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