What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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