Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
