My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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