some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
