If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize