when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Success! We fucked roommates!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wear drunk well.
His nipple licking is glorious
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